Choosing Coaching Topics
The most common place for clients to get stuck in coaching sessions is at the very beginning. “What shall we explore today?” I ask, and am met with a blank stare. These are clients who I know want to make changes in their lives, who I know are insightful humans with so much to offer themselves. And the question to establish a topic feels like pressure, and their minds go blank.
If that’s you, I want to share how I approach finding a topic to bring to coaching sessions where I’m on the other side of the conversation.
I start thinking about a topic 12-36 hours before the session. This allows my brain enough time to not feel put on the spot or pressured, but not so much time that my attention will have shifted before I meet with my coach.
I remind myself that there is no right answer. It does not matter what topic I choose, and I cannot possibly get it wrong. (Okay, probably I could find wrong answers if I tried, but I’d have to be trying.) I’m fortunate, here, that I’ve had the privilege of many, many coaching sessions that were primarily for the purpose of allowing the coach to practice - which gave me space to realize that whatever topic I bring to coaching, however silly it seems, if it’s meaningful to me, I’m going to end up with valuable learning from the process.
I listen to myself and find what’s loudest in my mind and emotions. If there’s already something consuming my attention, I don’t want to fight that during the coaching session, and it’s a way to give whatever is being loud a way to be heard, and usually get new insight that allows it to quiet down.
If there’s nothing loud and nothing trying to demand my attention, I ask myself what I want. Not what I think I should want, and not an impulsive desire. Not what I remember wanting before, and not what I think I’ll want in the future. What do I want, right now? Sometimes, the thing I want is a thing I want, like, next week. Sometimes, what I want is about a broad vision for my life or for the world. Whatever is honest, real, wholesome yearning that’s calling to me in that moment? Let’s talk to my coach about how I can leverage that desire into action.
If I also am struggling to get in touch with what I want, I ask myself what’s getting in the way of listening to myself in that way. What’s distracting, or overwhelming? What are the million little thoughts, none of which are quite loud enough to command my attention, but all of which prevent me from really dedicating my focus to honoring my own truth. Sometimes, this means looking around my house and just naming the first thing that I see that gives me an “ughhhh, I should deal with that.” reaction. Sometimes, it means trying to ask myself what I want, and paying enough attention to where my thoughts divert to that I can select one of those things.
This process, obviously, is somewhat personal and depends on how one’s brain works and what one’s coaching goals are. I have really general goals around “I wanna feel more like I belong in my life and have better relationships and generally just be more skilled and like myself more!” That gives me so much space to appreciate whatever results I get from coaching - and those results have been life-altering and wonderful. Some of the benefits that I think are specifically related to topic choice include:
An opportunity to practice listening to and trusting myself. Making a point of listening to myself in low-stakes ways (like choosing a coaching topic) has made it so much easier to hear myself when I’m tired and need to rest, or when I’m uncomfortable with something and need to establish stronger boundaries. It’s made it possible to spend less energy accomplishing things in my life because I’m more able to listen to myself about which activities I’ll be most receptive to at any given moment.
Letting go of the idea that there’s only one “right” path to an answer, and being more willing to just jump in and start somewhere. I’ve had so many coaching sessions where I’ve come in with one topic and learned something that felt only tangentially related and deeply relevant across my life. It’s been really cool to see myself building trust that if I just start somewhere, I’ll end up where I need to be - and to see that confidence expand out from topic choice into writing, relationships, activities, housekeeping, food, and…really pretty much everything.
Repeated evidence for my mind and my nervous system that it’s okay, sometimes, to expect the thing that’s important to me to matter. That I can speak up in ways that are honest, vulnerable, and meaningful - and expect that another human being will engage with the topic in a way that is curious, respectful, and attentive. I have amazing friends and family, with whom this is also true, and still - there’s something magical about being able to bring a topic - any topic I want to talk about - and trust that it will be met with curiosity and positive regard.
If you have tricks for choosing topics that help you, share them in the comments! I’d love for this to be a place where people can gather ideas and sort through what works for them in deciding what topic to bring to coaching.
