Listening Online
“It’s a lot easier in-person because there’s so much more communicated with tone and volume and body language and pauses. Do you have any thoughts offhand on what active listening looks like in text formats?”
Why, yes, I do have thoughts!
First, I think that people are sometimes overconfident in their ability to correctly interpret non-verbal communication in person. Almost everyone I know has had the experience of pausing to think, and having it interpreted as hesitation, or of struggling with eye contact and having that interpreted as lack of trustworthiness or connection, or some other misinterpretation of how we’re using our bodies. I, personally, actively prefer online communication in many contexts because it’s less likely for my body language to be misinterpreted and I don’t have to spend as much energy trying to manage my vocal tone, volume, eye contact, facial expressions, pauses (or lack thereof), and body language. Nonverbal communication absolutely matters - and it’s also fertile ground for misunderstanding. When questions like this come up, it feels important to acknowledge that the gap may not be quite as big as it feels. It’s more socially acceptable to make assumptions based on in-person nonverbals, and it’s much more comfortable for many people - but neither of those things necessarily make it inherently better.
Second, everyone’s different. Comparing how someone’s interacting online to how you’ve seen them interact online before is much more telling than comparing how one person interacts online to how another person interacts online. Whether we’re communicating via Slack or Zoom or in person, everyone has a different baseline, and being attentive to where the baseline is for both the person and the context is an important starting place.
All of that said, the question requires a little bit of discussion about what it means to really listen well. Wikipedia says “Active listening is being fully engaged while another person is talking to you. It is listening with the intent to understand the other person fully, rather than listening to respond.” To me, this means using a variety of tools - any tools I have available, in the context I’m in - to intentionally work toward understanding the speaker, rather than just passively accepting whatever understanding comes most easily. It means decreasing distractions, focusing on the speaker, questioning my own assumptions and biases, checking my understanding or asking clarifying questions when necessary, and actively attending to both the words the speaker is sharing and whatever other input is available to me within the interaction. It’s a choice to step fully into my own responsibility for the communication that’s happening between me and one or more other parties, from the receptive role rather than the expressive role.
If one of those tools isn’t available - for instance, if it’s not available to ask questions in a given situation - I can still choose to use all of the other skills, techniques, and tools I have at my disposal. It seems a little bit, to me, like following in a partner dance. Listening, like following, tends to be viewed as a more passive role in the interaction. And showing up to the “passive” role in a way that is skilled, intentional, and active makes an incredible difference in the connection, the fluidity, and the outcome of how the people involved engage with one another. If I’m following a dance and the leader lets go with one of their hands, it’s a cue to me that I need to pay extra attention to the remaining hand. If I’m following and we end up in a dance position that’s entirely unfamiliar and all of my connection points are outside of what I’m used to, it prompts me to hone in even more on where we’re still connected and what information is available to me through the places we’re still in contact.
So, what’s this have to do with “listening” when all that’s available is words on a screen? It’s a situation where the familiar and comfortable signals have been removed, and there’s space for additional curiosity about “Where can I still get information? What is still there? How can I be more attentive to what’s left and more intentional about interpreting those signals?”
Let me give a couple of examples.
Earlier today, I sent a message to a friend, asking if he was available for a phone call. Compare the following responses - what differences do you notice, and how might you respond to each one if you were engaging in the conversation in an “active listening” way (which, to be fair, I almost never do when the conversation is “Hey, wanna have a phone call?”)
Response #1: “No.”
Response #2: “I’m actually about to get going on some chores with my housemate. We’re going to get going on stuff to get my new mattress installed, which has kept getting put off.”
Response #3: “Nah.”
Response #4: “I could if it’s really important, but it’d be inconvenient. How urgent is the call?”
Response #5: “What do you want to have a call about? I’m not available now, and I want more information.”
Response #6: “You know that this is my chores day with my housemate.”
Response #7: “Nope! :) “
Response #8: “No, but I’m available for a call tomorrow evening - does that work?”
Response #9: “No.”
”But what’s up?”
“Why do you want a phone call?”
“Do I need to be worried?”
“I’m about to do something else, but I want to know you’re ok before I disappear.”
Response #10: “Could you find someone else to call?”
Yes, it’s true that all of those responses have different words. They also don’t actually mean substantially different things, in terms of the outcome around the question I asked, for the most part. I’m willing to bet, though, that some of them landed differently for you than others, in ways that had very little to do with the strict definitions of the words used.
(I really want to pause here and get feedback from y’all, about how those landed differently and what you noticed, before continuing. So, if you’re willing to indulge me, actually take some time to reflect on how came across and why, and let me know in the comments.)
(I’m still giving you time. Have you left a comment yet? Or at least written down reflections for yourself?)
(And also - what changed for you, in how you’re reading this, when I started using parentheses and addressing you directly with requests?)
(Okay, ready to come back now, to the part where I’m talking about what I’ve noticed, instead of asking what you’ve noticed?)
It can be hard to know what to pay attention to, in situations where the familiar data points are missing. It can also be a little bit challenging to even name what changed, even if it’s clear that something feels different. I did some brainstorming with a friend about what we both “listen” for in online communication, and here’s the list we came up with:
Spelling
Punctuation
Grammar
Word choice (formal/informal, modifications to words)
Emotes (emojis, emoticons, other visual representations of emotion)
Capitalization (or lack thereof)
Abbreviations (or lack thereof)
Length of messages
Frequency of messages
Delay in messages (careful with this one - it can also just mean that they have life happening. But it does sometimes signal that there’s a challenge in responding)
Number of messages
More generic engagement vs. more personalized engagement
Prompting for further engagement vs. merely responding to what’s been said (asking questions, new content in responses to interact with, requests for more information are examples of prompting for further engagement. Shorter answers or responses without anything to really “grab onto” have a different feel. Basically, how many conversational doorknobs are being provided?)
Nature of engagement - and especially shifts in the nature of engagement (listening vs. offering advice vs. offering support vs. sharing similar stories vs. changing the subject entirely)
Reiterating/clarifying/restating what they’ve previously said vs. adding new information vs. asking new questions
Formulaic response structure vs. fluid, casual, organic structure
Checking understanding, asking clarifying questions, or otherwise demonstrating active listening vs. assuming understanding or moving forward with lighter “process”
Talking about facts vs. cognitive engagement with ideas vs. emotional content
What other indications have you noticed yourself paying attention to, when all you have to work with is pixels on a screen?
Regardless of what your current comfort level is with online text-based communication, I’ll invite you to intentionally experiment in the next few weeks with defining “active listening” for yourself and trying it out when all you have is text (and maybe emojis. :P)
If this sort of experimentation toward your own learning and growth appeals to you, my Patreon has posts much like this one that cover topics from communication to goal setting to authenticity to giving and receiving support for $5/month. Go join, and then let me know what topic is most on your mind so I can design an experiment that speaks to you!
