According to The Internet, I’m a Bad Friend

I see so much on the internet about how to be a good friend. Or, more accurately, I see a lot on the internet about how to tell someone’s not a good friend.

Without looking up specific posts, hanging out on the internet has given me the impression that:

• Good friendships pick up exactly where they left off, regardless of how long it’s been since you last spoke

• If someone’s going through hard life circumstances, it’s unreasonable to have any expectations about how they show up to a friendship.

• In a good friendship, the friends (more or less) take turns initiating conversation.

• If someone ends a friendship because of your boundaries, they were a bad friend and taking advantage of you, anyway.

The more I learn about friendship - the more I learn about myself - the less I want to live by those rules. The less I believe in them.

A good friendship is a friendship that works for everyone involved. And the more I try to contort myself into the internet’s version of being a “good friend” (and insist that my friends do the same), the less able I am to build friendships that genuinely work for everyone involved.

I am done abdicating responsibility for my behavior in relationships and the effects that has on myself and my friends to platitudes on the internet. I am done hiding my disappointment and pain because the internet says I’m not supposed to be hurt.

I want friends who can rely on me, and who I can rely on in return. I want friendships that are so meaningful to my life that it hurts if they disappear. I cannot return to those friendships after an extended, unexpected absence as if nothing has changed.

I want grace during times when I’m struggling, and I want to be held accountable to my values and standards for myself, even when it’s hard. I want there to be space to make mistakes, absolutely - and I want my friends to lovingly support me in repairing harm I’ve done, even if I was in pain when I caused it. I want to know that my presence matters to my friends - and that they care enough to insist that I show up for the friendship as much as I’m able, even when I think I have nothing to offer. And I want to be a safe enough presence for my friends that the connection is available when their life is difficult.

I want friendships where I feel valued and cared about - and I also want to freely initiate conversation or invite time together, without putting pressure on my friend to do the same. I know that the level of effort it takes to initiate varies - across people, across seasons, across circumstances. I want to honor the truth of my own experience and that of my friends above external metrics of how invested we each are.

I want to have open, honest, loving conversations about boundaries - but also about what’s important to each person about the friendship. When there’s not space to honor the truth of everyone’s boundaries and still fulfill enough desires for the relationship to be worthwhile and meaningful, I want to part ways with generosity and kindness. I want to believe the best of one another, and allow incompatibility to be faultless.

I want to measure my friendships by how much we bring to one another’s lives, not by how little we ask of one another.

I want to take responsibility for showing up for my friendships and continually building skill at loving myself and others in order to be the best friend I can be.

I want to openly communicate with the people in my life about what we each want, what we have to offer, and what’s not available - for us, specifically. I want these conversations to be curious, vulnerable, and honest - without attachment to the outcome. I want to collaboratively build unique friendships with the amazing people who touch my life.

And sometimes, when I think about what I want in friendships - when I read on the internet about how friendships are “supposed to” work - I feel so alone. I feel like what I want is such a rare desire and that what I ask in friendship is more than anyone is willing to offer.

If that’s you, too, I want you to know that you’re not alone. I want you to know that what you want in friendships is valid and it matters. I’m fortunate to have found beautiful, wonderful, amazing friendships with others who have similar desires. I look forward to building connections with more people who have compatible views on friendship, as I clarify more and more about what I want and need.

If I can ask something of you today, I ask that you message someone you admire, because magical relationships don’t happen without some courage.